Mr Dettman – 9En1 – Horror Poems: Final Draft

Due: Thursday, 26th February

a) Redraft and improve your original Horror-based poems, submitting a FINAL copy on the due-date above.  These will be assessed.

b) You should accompany this with a separate self-analysis of the poem, explaining the following:

1. The mood and tone of the poem – what were you going for, and what do you feel the most effective aspect that enhanced this for the reader?

2. The structure of the poem – this could incorporate the literal shape (for those of you going for ‘shape’ poems); the rhyme scheme (if used.. abab / aabbccdd etc.); and how the stanzas were laid out.

3. Any strong imagery or onomatopoeic use, and why you used it.

4. Any poetic techniques you have used, and how each was effective in enhancing the act of reading of the poem, by the reader.

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6 thoughts on “Mr Dettman – 9En1 – Horror Poems: Final Draft

  1. Jonah

    I am, a needle in a haystack
    A picture of the sanity that I desperately lack
    I blame him, fr turning me into this monster
    And, with a dagger in my hand, I begin the slaughter
    He trips, and I hear the panicked footfall, the fumbling of flimsy fingers as I catch him, once and for all

    He hides alone, whimpering, crying, as my augmented mind
    Controls the hand that slits the throat with the blade of mine
    His red guilt spills out of him, gushing like a hosepipe
    He gasps. Staggers. And is dead in the moonlight

    Of course, this was because of my fathers fatality
    That has, piece by piece, destroyed my mentality

    1)I themed this poem on the point of view of the serial killer in a horror film. I think the most effective part of this is when it explores the mental state of the antagonist. For example “He hides alone, whimpering, crying, as my augmented mind controls the hand that slits the throat with the blade of mine” I think this is the most effective as it suggests he doesn’t really want to kill anyone but is almost being forced to. It could have a deeper meaning as the killer is always blaming what he is doing on his father dying and the killer of his father. But if he took the blame he could except what he has done and move on. This could resemble real life possibly where some people need to take more responsibility for what they have done.

    2) I structured my poem with two lines together that rhyme to make the poem flow better. I used two lines at the end to emphasise what is being said.

    3) I used strong imagery when describing the death to exaggerate the mental state of the killer and to emphasise how he puts no emotion into what he is doing.

    4) I used the seizure “He gasps. Staggers.” To mimic how the man collapsed on the floor. Also I used alliteration, “panicked footfall, the fumbling of flimsy fingers” to make the poem flow and to get the reader to say it faster.

    Reply
  2. katiee12358

    It’s over,
    it’s all over,
    the fight to the very next door.

    The sudden relief,
    the utter relief,
    it hits me like an oncoming bus.

    I hear a scream,
    I hear a call,
    as I start to get up and run.

    ‘Oh no!’ I say
    ‘Oh no!’ My thoughts,
    the worst isn’t over yet.

    I hear footsteps,
    I hear the pace,
    as my beating heart starts to race.

    I turn around,
    my body shifts,
    I feel the pain; I feel the hit.

    Down, down, I’m falling
    my mind and body shut,
    Is this the end? I’m stuck in an eternal rut.

    I tried to create a tension-packed mood with this poem. I believe this is effective because the reader should want to read on due to the interest of the protaganist.

    The stanzas are three lines long, and the first two lines are pretty much the same- until you get to the last line; it’s just an explaination of the first two lines.

    I’ve used techniques such as repetition cesura, and a bit of enjabement. These are effective because, again, it allows the reader to relate, empathise, and enjoy the poem at the same time!

    Reply
  3. chessielongland

    I open my eyes after what seems like an eternity’s sleep,
    Nothing comes to mind, I was a victim of trickery,

    My body felt lifeless,
    My mind was restless,
    The room was monotonous,
    The screams were monstrous,

    There were footsteps- someone was on us,
    Scythe in hand, mask covering his face,
    One slash of the blade and silent was the place.

    SELF ANALYSIS:-

    N1) The mood that I was intending to show was the stereotypical theme of horror; fearing something (in my poem’s case, a killer.) This is effective to my poem as the poetic techniques I have used (caezura, enjambement e.t.c) help capture that mood.

    N2) I structured my poem with my main form of punctuation being commas; I wanted to use enjambement to help my poem flow as well as keeping the atmosphere quite tense. I ranged the length of my stanzas to help portray the theme of tension.

    N3) I used some strong imagery and onomatopoeia in my poem. An example of onomatopoeia I have used is ‘one slash of the blade’. I used this to make the reader of my poem easily paint a visual picture in their minds of this concept. An example of strong imagery is ‘the room was monotonous’, I used this kind of vocabulary for the reader to get the dismal and depressing vibe of that stanza.

    N4) The poetic techniques that I have used to enhance the quality of my poem include enjambement, imagery, signifiers, caezuras, repetition, rhyme, sibilance and alliteration. I think that the variety of poetic techniques that I have used makes the reader of my poem want to read on due to the tense mood I have going on.

    Reply
  4. Lucy Branton :D

    Eternal Sleep by Lucy Branton (FINAL DRAFT)

    Shadowy circles ringed his eyes, his teeth were brilliant white,
    Everybody knew this wallflower, who led a simple life.
    A man in early twenties; gentle, loving, kind,
    Nobody knew about the mask that he hid behind:
    By day he worked in an office, as many people do-
    By night, he had a dark side, one of which no one knew.
    Friday night, drinking night, hitting the streets with his mates,
    He met a gorgeous girl, and took her home, when it was very late.
    Halfway home, the girl truthfully admitted, she already had a guy,
    10 The man just looked at her and smiled: “stay with me a while”
    The girl half grimaced, half grinned, and thought: “maybe he needs a friend”
    But didn’t realise the terrors, waiting for her, around the bend.

    He calculatingly helped her out of the car, and led her by the hand
    The girl was undoubtedly confused- she had never seen this land.
    One single house lay before her, towering into the sky:
    Ten or so metres away from the house, a solitary single gravestone lies
    Trees cluster around the gates, standing elevated like great green gods,
    Hanging from the old iron gates, like a prized necklace: a dirty, broken lock.
    But the oddest thing of all was the blood red moon,
    20 Which hung over the house, gleaming out of the gloom.
    Now the man steered her possessively onto the porch, in front of the great oak door,
    Inserted the corroded key into the rusty lock, and led her in once more.

    The door slammed shut, there was no light, the room was black as pitch-
    The man was nowhere to be found- for the girl, this was it.
    She screamed, and screamed, and screamed some more
    Turned around and fled for the door
    But found for once she could not move
    Her feet were stuck, panicked, she searched the room.
    On the floor, crouched on all fours,
    30 Hunkered the man, but he wasn’t a man any more-
    In his place stood a hideous creature:
    With a gruesome face and twisted features
    Rows and rows of claws sprouted from his hairy, clenched fists
    Hair sprouting from every inch of his body in curly black wisps
    The girl tried to scream but found she could not;
    Just as she found she could not move from her spot.

    Then the creature advanced, its rotten breath tickled her ear:
    “Why don’t you and I play, my dear?”
    “I-I-I want to go home-”
    40 “I’m ever so sorry precious, but I’ll have to say no,
    Because I haven’t had a playmate as pretty as you in a while-”
    It continued its speech with an evil smile,
    “I’ll have to keep you silent, safe and locked up
    Maybe below in the basement or the attic above,
    I don’t want you to worry, no, sweetie, no,
    You will not be lonely where you’re going to go-
    So don’t you worry, my sunny sunshine, not a peep,
    For I’ll be watching every second of your eternal sleep.”

    Analysis:
    When I started my first draft of this poem, I wanted to make it scary, which was obviously the main objective for this assessment. But to ultimately achieve that, I had to make mood of the poem disturbing, and unnatural/supernatural. So, to start off with, I decided on a theme (a horror/supernatural combination) to get me inspired. The planning process was; first I thought of lots of different words; next I selected a few which linked together nicely; finally I thought up a storyline in my mind to write about (that is the usual technique I use when writing poems). My overall theme was achieved, and the most effective aspect that enhanced the reading experience for the reader was the (attempted) terrifying, negative language that I aimed to use, and the way it fits in with the rhyme scheme, for example:
    “On the floor, crouched on all fours,
    Hunkered the man, but he wasn’t a man any more-
    In his place stood a hideous creature:
    With a gruesome face and twisted features
    Rows of claws sprouted from his fists
    Hair sprouting from every inch of his body in wisps
    The girl tried to scream but found she could not;
    Just as she found she could not budge from her spot.”
    When redrafting, I have attempted to structure the poem in a certain way: each two lines must have a similar amount of syllables in the sentence. I have not organised the stanzas in a specific way, such as having a certain amount of lines in each stanza, but the number of lines in each stanza are even, so this allows the rhyming rhythm works effectively, as it should, instead of having sentences ending with no rhyme whatsoever. My rhyme scheme was simple, with two lines which have rhyming words on the end (ababababab… ect…). I have not used a literal shape, but I have drawn a drawing for the board at the back of the class with my poem written on it, with the picture artistically linked to the poem. Here is an example where I have constantly used rhyme with an “ababab…” structure:
    “But the oddest thing of all was the blood red moon,
    20 Which hung over the house, gleaming out of the gloom.
    Now the man steered her onto the porch, in front of the great oak door,
    Inserted the key, into the lock, and led her in once more.”
    I have not used any onomatopoeia, as I thought it would not be an effective technique to use when writing my poem. I thought this because I have written this poem in third person, using “he”, “she” and “it”. If it was written in first person, onomatopoeia would have been more effective as it would have been coming from the characters point of view, in first person, and onomatopoeia could convey feelings, whereas, if you only use written facial expressions (third person) to convey emotions, it builds suspense.
    I have made sure that I have used negative language where possible, however, I have used mildly positive language at the very beginning, so the mood and suspense heightens when the positive language changes gradually to negative, and bad things start to happen, whilst the horror kicks in.
    I have tried to use alliteration wherever possible, so it gives the poem a rhythmic feel to it, and emphasises descriptions, adding emotion to it. I think this is effective as it causes the reader to feel empathetic towards the protagonist/victim, and causes the reader to become attached to the character, only to break them when they find out what happens to the character at the end of the poem- at least that’s what I hope the effect was.
    I have also tried to use enjambment to continue the poem, after the sentence has ended, and keep the poem flowing. It is effective when the poem is read out, as it makes the poem smooth, with a flowing rhythm to it, which sounds pleasing when you listen to it.
    I have used a simile: “Blood red moon”, to create imagery. The moon hasn’t got actual blood on it, but this phrase creates imagery which portrays a moon which is blood red, as if there is actual crimson blood slowly dripping off of it. This is an effective technique because it creates and image, and encourages the reader to read on.
    I have used symbolism in my poem, which may or may not have been obvious: “Ten or so metres away from the house, a solitary single gravestone lies”. This line implies that the gravestone symbolises death, and if the girl goes into the house, she may die, or at least not come out unharmed. Gravestones symbolise death, so surely one lying outside a creepy, suspicious guys equally creepy house has to mean something terribly horrible.

    Yeah, sorry it’s so long again ;-;

    Reply
  5. julie

    One sign, one sight that one night when things are not right.
    You will get a fright in the night ,but you will think it is all right.

    The roads are black rivers , the sky is a owl hunting always watching never resting , the wind is still, you can hear every sound , every fragment , every breath yet every movement.

    Yet it is better then all of these it is never stopping, never ending ,never thinking , never living.
    When your breathing stops you realise that you can run and can hide however it will always be there by your side.

    When sense you are being watched , followed you stop
    when every cells freezes ever hair prickles when heart beat stops when you end ,you know you are dead . you see the terror ,horror you see the blackness , the light less. Then you realise it over.

    self assessment –
    1. The mood and tone of the poem – what were you going for, and what do you feel the most effective aspect that enhanced this for the reader?
    The mood of this poem is the horror yet the theme is about being watched and this poem enthuses the anxiety of the writer (this is shown through repetition) of how you are always being watched is quite creepy.

    2. The structure of the poem – this could incorporate the literal shape (for those of you going for ‘shape’ poems); the rhyme scheme (if used.. abab / aabbccdd etc.); and how the stanzas were laid out.
    The stanzas are quite short so this makes the reader want to read on also it brings a gap into poem so it makes it more dramatic so I can write about something new in the new stanza.

    3. Any strong imagery or onomatopoeic use, and why you used it.
    “The roads are black rivers” this helps the reader image it in their heads also when you think of black rivers it is unnatural so makes the poem horrific.

    4. Any poetic techniques you have used, and how each was effective in enhancing the act of reading of the poem, by the reader.

    metaphor -“The roads are black rivers” this creates imagery.

    repetition- on stanza three never is repeated lots to show the sign of madness.

    simile-“the sky is a owl hunting” creates imagery.

    Reply
  6. Jenna

    Some think I’m mad,
    Slightly psychopathic.
    I like to think about death,
    And be very melodramatic.

    Something’s not quite right,
    You see,
    I get to choose how they die,
    It’s up to me.

    He sees me sat on the windowsill,
    At the top of the house.
    He sees me one second but I’m gone the next,
    Leaving him as scared as a mouse.

    Shrugging it off, he enters the building,
    And starts to clamber up the stairs.
    Maybe I should’ve put up a sign,
    Enter they who dare.

    I can hear him outside the door now,
    He’s not being very quiet.
    Maybe he wasn’t raised with the art of silence,
    More like in a riot.

    He enters the room,
    And I pounce on him,
    A tiger,
    Catching his meal.

    As he takes his last breath,
    My knife stuck in his gut.
    He looks me in the eye, and says,
    “It’s all over now.”

    My life flashes before my eyes,
    As I take my final breath.
    I now know how it feels,
    To finally be greeted with death.


    The mood of my poem is horror and intended to be creepy, as it is from the antagonist’s point of view. I also wanted it to be slightly enigmatic.

    I decided to have a structure of ABCB because it’s quite strange. On some stanzas, I decided to make some of it make no sense and not rhyme because it gave the feel of craziness and not right. I thought this would reflect the personality of the character; crazy. I decided to make the stanzas short so that they would end on a mysterious note.

    I decided to try and create a bit of imagery at the start, but not too much because I wanted it to be the character’s thoughts and not nessacerily telling a story or describing a scene.

    I used a simile ‘as scared as a mouse.’ To make that moment relatable and to possibly create a bit of imagery.
    I also used a metaphor to describe how the character attacked ‘a tiger, catching his meal’ to again, create a hint of imagery and to give the character an idea of what it looked like.

    Reply

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